So she can forget herself
by Smartwillow
Summary: Gill is in a bad place, Rachel wants to help. Thanks to HedgieX:)


Her laughter is too loud and her voice is the wrong pitch. One glass after another, it's impossible to keep up with her, and whenever she absently brushes against her throat Rachel stops breathing. Then Janet says something inappropriately funny and everything is momentarily forgotten.

It's been six days since Helen Bartlett took her own life and sitting on Janet's couch with the two women still feels somehow unreal to Rachel. Even a bit weird, being so friendly with Godzilla and being so utterly grateful that she is ok. Except she's not. The opacity of her eyes are telling a whole different story to her mouth. The way she looks briefly at the window at every little noise from the street makes Rachel slide ever so slowly closer to her. Makes Rachel want to hold her hand and whisper little reassurances in her ear. But if Gill doesn't seem to mind the proximity to her subordinate, she would surely have her arrested for criminal intertwining of fingers.

So Rachel worries in silence, looking at her when she's sure she can't be caught and imagining all the little, and not so little, things she could do to ease her pain.

"Well I really hope there's some wine in the cellar because the two of you have just drunk the last bottle in the kitchen. Be right back girls!" As Janet stumbles out of the living room Gill turns swiftly to Rachel.

"Are you going to stare at me like a creepy weirdo all night? I'm not gonna break Rachel."

She can feel a dark pink covering her cheeks. "I.. I'm sorry. I can't help it."

"You're with the grown-ups now, kid. You need to learn how to hide and pretend."

"But you're not ok, are you?" Gill stares icily at her. "I'm sorry, It's not my place to.. I just care, is all."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"Do you care because you are worried about your boss getting all soft and scared?"

"No I.. I just care about you, I guess."

"You guess?"

Rachel glances in vain at the door hoping for Janet to put her out her misery. "Yeah, I guess, I'm not so sure I'm allowed. You're looking at me like I just burnt the flag or something."

"That's not how I'm looking at you." And she gets closer as she's letting Rachel read her eyes. Rachel forces herself to stay still. Resisting the urge to pull back or push forward. It's a staring contest she knows she's about to lose because the need to look at her lips is getting incredibly strong. When she does, Gill closes the gap and kisses her. But it's not a kiss, Gill's devouring her with her lips and teeth and her hands are everywhere. Rachel falls back and Gill pulls up her skirt straddling her. Everything is so quick she can't do anything but trying not to hamper Gill. Her mind is so out of sync that when Gill takes her hand and guides it between her own legs It takes Rachel a moment too long to realise what she's expected to do and it's Gill that moves her fingers for her.

"I found it! The damn light bulb was blown out!"

Gill is gone as quickly as she got on Rachel and they both adjust their clothes before Janet is cheerfully back in the room.

"Are you alright?" Gill is staring intently at the floor and Rachel appears slightly out of breath.

"Yes."

"Yeah." They both answer.

"The kid here was worried about me, isn't she adorable?"

Rachel's head turns to her in disbelief but she soon recovers. "Yeah, you know me, all feeling and impulses. I should know better."

"Well it's been a great night but I should head home while I can still walk." Gill stands up.

"But I just got another bottle! Are you sure?"

"Yes, Janet, thank you for the lovely evening." She grabs her purse and heads for the door followed by Janet and her protests.

"Well Sherlock it's me and you now, shall I open the wine?"

But Rachel is already up. "Sorry Jan, I better go. Call you tomorrow." She kisses her cheek and runs out.

She can see Gill almost at the end of the street and hurries behind her.

When she reaches her she calls her name but Gill keeps walking. "Hey! What now? Are you gonna pretend I'm not here?"

Gill stops and turns. "I'm sorry." She breathes deeply and for a moment Rachel worries she's about to have a panic attack. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. It was completely inappropriate. In my defence I can say that I haven't been myself in the last few days. But that is not excuse at all. So if you want to make a formal complain I perfectly.."

"Wait! What? I don't want to make a formal complain. I'm not complaining at all. I'm just a bit confused here, alright? And I don't want to go home and be confused and alone there knowing that you will totally not mention tonight for the rest of our lives."

"What's to be confused about? I thought it was pretty self explanatory."

"Yeah well.. you know I can be a bit daft at times.. maybe I needed more time.." Rachel takes a step forward and Gill a step back.

"Rachel.." She admonishes her.

"Listen.. I don't know what you are going through right now but whatever it is.. if I can help you to push it aside even just for a moment.." She shakes her head. "God I'm so bad at this.. sorry, I'm a twat." She turns around but Gill grabs her arm.

"This insecurity is endearing but not very sexy, you should work on that."

"Oh I'm sor.." But Gill lips cut her off. Once again Rachel is taken off guard and lets Gill push her in an ally. Her back hits painfully the brick wall and everything begins moving at double speed. Except for Rachel. Gill is a blur all over her, taking every part of her body she can reach.

"You need to slow down." Rachel breaths.

"I can't. I can't." And the desperation in her voice digs a hole in Rachel's heart.

"It's ok. I'm here. Give it to me, I can take anything."

Gill kisses her hard and Rachel thinks she's screaming inside of her mouth. Gill grabs her hand and push it beneath her skirt.

"I need to stop thinking, make me stop thinking Rachel."

And Rachel tries harder than she ever tried. She pushes roughly two fingers inside.

"Yes." Gill murmurs biting her neck. "More."

And Rachel complies, not caring about the uncomfortable position and the pain in her arm, she just keeps fucking her. She thinks she might hurt her but probably that's the point of it all. And after a few moments Gill comes, her mouth open but without a sound. Rachel grabs her before she falls and hold her tight like there are bullets flying all around them, like she thinks she's saving her life.

When Gill starts moving again she reluctantly let go of her. They stare into each other's eyes trying not to say things they'll regret tomorrow. Gill caresses her face, sweetly and slowly for once. Then slides on her knees.

"What are..?"

"Shush." She opens up Rachel's trousers and the younger woman is glad for her long coat when Gill push them down along with her knickers. The first kiss sends shivers to her spine. When Gill tongue licks her fold the whole world stops. Her legs tremble and her hands look for a grip on the wall behind her. "Oh God."

Gill sped up her pace and she devours her like she had devoured her mouth many times that night. But she never hurt her. It's an explosion of pleasure and hunger and it doesn't take long for Rachel to come in her mouth and fall on the floor with Gill.

Gill kisses her and she can taste herself on her lips. She can't ever get enough. She knows she will never get enough. And the uncertainty of the future hits her hard.

"We should go." Gill murmurs out of breath.

"Yes." And Rachel notices Gill's knees. "You're hurt."

"It's nothing. I don't mind."

Rachel bends and kisses the small wounds.

"That's not really sanitary." Gill smiles.

"I don't really care." Rachel smiles back.

They help each other to get up. Rachel picks up Gill's purse and gives it back to her. "So I guess I'll see you on Monday."

"Yes. Rachel.."

"You don't have to say anything." Rachel just wants to cut short the part where she gets dumped.

"I do. I just want to say thank you."

"Gill I.." She looks around trying to find the right words. "When that woman took you.. I think I've never been so scared in my life, never felt so powerless. I know it's nothing compered to what she put you through but.. I'm still not ok either, is all."

Gill waits a little more to see if Rachel has something else to say.

"I needed this, like you did." Rachel blushes before adding in a hurry. "I think I'll still need it for a while." She takes a few steps back to distance herself from Gill's prying eyes and what she had just admitted. "Goodnight, boss. Have a nice week end."

She rushes to her car and never turns back. She never sees the tender look in Gill's eyes or the small tear falling on her cheek.


End file.
